Other Thoughts

~Escaping the Dark Room~

This past week was a very interesting week for me. Like most of the world not only was I mourning the loss of Robin Williams, but I was also mourning the loss of many of my childhood heroes, The Genie, Alan Parish, Mrs. Doubtfire, Peter Pan, and Mr. Keating. It was, and still is, very hard to have to say goodbye to the man who helped create so many of my memories. But I think that those who have struggled with depression are feeling even more of a sadness at this loss. Because they know what it's like to be having a constant battle going on inside of them and not having any idea how it's going to end.  They know the pain and agony of feeling hopeless and not knowing where to turn for relief. Often times, people with depression are just trying to survive. And hearing of someone who lost the battle, who did not survive the similar pain that they are feeling, is truly heart breaking.

Growing up, when I would hear of someone that had committed suicide I had always thought, "What in life could possibly be so horrible that the only way to deal with it is to give up on life and end it?" I just couldn't understand. But then I suffered from major depression and I understood. Oh my goodness, did I ever understand.  I am not in anyway trying to say that suicide is a good answer, it's not. Not at all.  I'm just trying to help those who have never experienced the pain of depression understand that it is a real struggle. I'm trying to make a point  that suicide is not "just giving up on life," it's trying to find an escape from the darkness when no other routes seem to be working. Luckily many people with depression, although they may not find a complete escape, can find enough relief and comfort to keep them going and carrying on as best as they can. They can find just enough light to remind them that in the end everything will be okay and that brings them the strength they need. 

As difficult as it is, I would like to share my experiences on this subject to help explain what people with depression, who are struggling with suicidal ideation, may be going through.  I bold the word 'may' because I have learned that every situation is different. But maybe, just maybe, you can take comfort that I am someone who found a safe escape route (I still struggle occasionally but I am okay with that). It took a long time and I too, started to believe that ending my life was the only option left. I'm so glad that I kept on looking for escapes even when none seemed present.

Depression sucks. Like it just does! It takes the most beautiful minds and fills them with darkness and despair. In fact, it is often the most beautiful minds that have the hardest time dealing with depression, because the contrast between light and dark is just too much to handle.  This was the case for me.... the contrast  between my happy life and my life with depression was just way too overwhelming. I was used to a world filled with light and joy and then suddenly the perfect world that I was used to was turned upside down as a darkness and despair crept in the cracks and quickly flooded my existence. 

I felt like I had been thrown into a dark room with no lights, no doors, no windows, no source of light whatsoever.   I felt like I was being suffocated. I searched for an escape, but there was none to be found. I tried therapy. That didn't work. I tried reading uplifting books. That didn't work either.  I tried a certain medication. No luck.  I even tried praying away my problems to no avail.  By this time the darkness had completely blinded me and I felt like I was swimming in an endless pit of doom. I wanted to escape this awful, awful dark room sooo badly that suicidal thoughts started to enter my mind.  Not because I hated myself, because despite all of this, I still knew I was a daughter of God with infinite worth. No, I didn't have these thoughts because I thought the world would be better off without me,  I had these thoughts because I was so tired of feeling the pain and being stuck in the darkness.  At times I came very close to making my suicidal thoughts a reality, but the fear of the unknown always frightened me out of it. However, the thoughts of suicide and even the attempts didn't stop because I was still unable find an alternate escape. 

Finally, after months and months of being in darkness, I found my escape. It wasn't a wide open door with flashing arrows by any means. In fact, my escape started out as a tiny crack in the wall letting in just an ounce of light.  This light came by thinking deeply about the atonement of Jesus Christ.  I thought of  several things that I hadn't before.  Part of the most painful part of depression for me was that it felt so individualized to ME. No matter how many people told me "Oh I know how you feel..." I still felt so alone. There is no way they could no exactly how I feel, because they are not me and everyone experiences things differently.  My trials seemed so unique to me. But I realized that there was one person who truly, truly did understand. The Savior.  The reason why He suffered EVERY pain was so that he could say, "Emily, I REALLY do now exactly how you feel because I suffered this same pain, just for you. You are not alone in this." For me, that offered me just enough hope, just enough light, that I was determined to escape through that small crack in the wall. 

That small crack of light was enough to get me started, but everyone knows that a full grown woman can't fit through just a crack in the wall. I knew there was something I had to do to widen the crack into a hole.  Once I came to this realization my dad said to me, "Emily, do you think that someone with cancer would pray to Heavenly Father to take away the cancer, but not even take the treatments? Heavenly Father loves to help us, but we need to do our part as well." I knew what I had to do. In fact there were several things that I had to do.  I got my medicine adjusted.  The crack widened.  I met more regularly with my counselor. The crack widened.  I forced myself into social situations. The crack widened.  I kept a gratitude journal. The crack widened. And I remembered my Savior in my daily life. The wall to the dark room collapsed.  I had found my escape. 

I hope my experience shed a little bit of light on the issue of depression and suicide.  If you have a loved one that is going through similar trials, I hope by reading this you might be just a little bit more understanding. And if you are suffering from depression yourself, I hope that this gives you the hope you need to never stop looking for SAFE escapes. They are there. The light will come back.